Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
