how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
