I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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