The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
