He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
