Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
