She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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