i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
