I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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