So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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