I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
