I think my fart just growled at me.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
