Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
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As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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