I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I deserve this hangover.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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