SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
