Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
