Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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