Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
