recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
