I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
