Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
