quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
