I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
