I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
