My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
