I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All I want is dick and wine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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