i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
only you would photoshop your dick
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
