I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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