Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
