WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
