Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
