He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
