first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're like the curious george of whores
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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