Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
