please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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