Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
