I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
