everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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