what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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