My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
