he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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