I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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