So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
