I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
