We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
