I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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