think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
