i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize