frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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