It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Please don't give away my fajitas
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
