I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
