I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Farmville is her only friend.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
