I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
