Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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