Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
