Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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