Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
