I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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