see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
