I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
