Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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